i have been such a busy bee. work and school and work and school and life and work and school and life. but it is so satisfying to know that i am having a great time right now surrounded by great people who genuinely care for me and who i genuinely care for. this semester’s musical is a joke, though, and i will not be participating in it. but can i just say that it feels SO nice to meet people who know NOTHING about musical theater, nothing about AMDA, nothing about nothing. i enjoy that so thoroughly. ;)

i don’t feel ready for this semester at all. i don’t really feel excitement or giddyness. i don’t really feel prepared at all. i want to kill this semester. i want to rape it. i want it to feel as if it did not know what hit it and yet, i can’t honestly say that i feel that way. hmm… what is going on, tomas?

as a child, i use to run around until i would get dizzy, the world spinning underneath my feet as i turned and turned and turned. the sky would melt in on itself, a kaleidoscope of white and blue, constantly shifting, constantly turning. nothing could stop me. when i would get too dizzy i would fall to the ground, the dirt cushioning my landing, while i just rolled around and played. grass stains inhabited my tiny jeans, my hands filled with the brown of the dirt, while my mother scolded me from the back window for being so careless.

she was right.

i didn’t care.

i was free.

i played with imaginary people, sang “what a wonderful world”, pretended to be a power ranger. kicking evil ass. i was too young to play with my brother’s friends, even though i wanted to. i was just as cool as they were in my mind. when one of them said something mean to me, i would tell them how stupid they were and that they were missing out. i was super tomas. i didn’t need a cape. i didn’t need super powers. i just needed my imagination and i was off.

one of my brother’s friends didn’t like that too much. i figure he couldn’t handle my incredible super powers.my brother punched him in the mouth. i think it was one of the first times my brother got into a fight. i’m sure he’s been in a few now that he’s much older. my brother became my hero for a little while after that.

one time when i was playing power rangers, i kicked my cousin in the mouth and popped one of her fillings.

now that i work with kids, i wish i was back there. i wish that i could run around and jump and not have a care in the world. i wish that i could laugh without people telling me it’s obnoxious, or cry in public when i get hurt, or sing at the top of my lungs. well, sometimes, i still do.

marlon brando once said, “all actors are children.”

i like that.

everything is so still in my apartment. my roommate is gone. the fire is crackling. and i’m ready for life to begin. but everything remain so quiet.

(via theistadiaries)

sometimes, you just gotta jump .

for months my mother has been badgering me about getting a job. BADGERING. bothering. testing my patience. there have been days when i have just avoided my mother all together so that i don’t have to here her talk about me being lazy and needing to get a job. when i was working for my school as a r.a., i still needed to find a job because dealing with crazy white girls with eating disorders wasn’t good enough! i have wanted a job. i have needed a job. desperately. i have complained, cried, shouted that i needed a job from the rooftops. i have sent so many resumes, called so many places, taken so many buses!

i have i have had multiple calls and texts saying, “tomas, you need to get a job. i can’t do this anymore.” “tomas, when are you going to get a job.” “found a job yet?” i didn’t even know my mother could text that good!

finally i got the job.

AND IT STILL ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER! RAWWWWWRRRRRRR!!!

first and foremost, i missed my first day of work because i wrote the schedule down wrong, so i have my first strike. ugh. that was so annoying. but more importantly, when i told my mom the story she went off on me about how i’m not working enough days or hours that makes this job even worth my time. why didn’t i come home and spend time with my family? i could have worked for ihop for a few weeks if i wanted to make some extra money, she says! i haven’t seen my family in six months, she brings up!

i love my mother. terribly. that woman is incredible. she is my anchor, she is my life. but she makes me SOOOOO mad sometimes!!

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UGH!

DAMNIT!

ROAR!

…. i’m fine now.

i haven’t had much to report just because life is so peaceful. and i’m so content in my own way. in good company. i love it.

work is alright. i’m going to be dealing with screaming kids, high school students, and adults who never really grew up. plus side, i do get to work a little with jamie, who’s a stage manager at my school. whatever. first check tomorrow, that’s what matters.

are you kidding me? you are welcome, sir. thanks for following me! i liked your tumblr so much! i love that it’s a variety of different things, you know?